Sock in the Solar Plexus

There are some people who were probably reading magazines not meant for them when they should have been in the line where some or the other of the many angels was administering some modesty.

Got the flow? No? Okay. You were probably doing it too when quick-grasping-ability was being ladled out.

The point is that some people strut through life thinking they are the bees knees. But this post is not about that. This post is about how to make them fall down on theirs.

And after rigorous and I must say, excruciating research, I have hit upon the most effective method - A visit to the hairdresser.

Hairdresser? Isn't it O.Nash or some such bird who said that the worst thing that could befall the human race was a visit to the dentist?

..Because some tortures are physical and some are mental,
But the one that is both is dental.

No, that is olde hat. If you want to kill a chap's self-confidence such that he is never able to rise from the depths again, send him for a haircut.

These hair-salons nowadays are peopled by folks of such fortitude that they don't hesitate to bluntly state what your mother would quake in her Bata flip-flops about. Oh, they are brave, undoubtedly in the wrong profession. They should have been operating guillotines during the French revolution.

Disdainfully, across the years, I have been painfully acquainted with the fact that my hair is too thin, is falling too much, is not the right texture, has an extraordinarily high percentage of split ends, turns North when it should face South, and is in general the follicular equivalent of a drug addict caught trying to pawn his blind mother's scrawny jewels. Furthermore, I have been chided about not using the right shampoo, conditioner, toner, light beam, laser. My scalp has not been spared either. I have, on occasion, sported an oily one, at times an extraordinarily dry one, undoubtedly, with sheets of dandruff flowing down the back, and today - horror of horrors, it was accused of having a disease, with suggestion in place that a visit to the Dermatologist was in order.

As I walked away humbled, my spirit a mere shadow of its former self, a scene floated in front of the pensive eye. Date - April the 30th, circa 1945. A little man, with a furious expression and a toothbrush mustache, sits down to get his daily trim, while a somewhat sinister looking character hovers around him with a pair of clippers. A snort, a questioning glance, eyelids heavy with disgust - "They are not what they used to be, Sie ware besser dran ohne sie".

Past Vs Present

I was going through my older posts, the ones at the beginning, the ones that inspired me to start this blog because I felt I wanted to tell people these things.

I was such a different girl then. Less confused, more aware of my strengths and weaknesses, more honest and brutal about where I stood.

B-school changed me? Taught me how to project an image? I don't know, I have strictly maintained that I have remained honest all along and never pandered to the image-game. But maybe that's an image too.

I was less cynical. Also, the kind of person who believed that anybody else being good, even great, does not mean you are any less. There is place for everybody under the sun. Life as I know it today seems to instinctively suggest that it is a zero-sum game and if I am to save myself from thinking and acting as per that, I need to be wary, guard against getting over-competitive.

Less cynical, I mentioned that. I was more inclined to admire people, accept their ambition and marvel at their brilliance. Where did that go, replaced by a cynicism that questions whether the people who have it all, really deserve it, or whether they really have it all in the first place.

Let me correct it. Let me publicly register admiration for the success of some people/groups of people I have been in-two-minds about at some points in time earlier -
1. Aishwarya Rai - She did do quite well for herself, talent or no talent. And that in itself, is a talent. To be smart enough to know what works for you.
2. Consultants - Difficult lifestyle, to be on the go like that, to gel with the client and its way of working and make oneself useful. Underneath all the B-school shroud of glitz and glamor, a profession that has its place in the sun, it's utility in the food chain. I know some people who are doing great work, learning lots and enjoying themselves too.
3. Sachin Tendulkar - Yes, I know he is a great cricketer and all that. But beyond that, his attitude is what makes him such a legend. Unassuming. And eternal.
4. Angelina Jolie - So I love Jennifer Aniston. But Angelina Jolie has the x-factor. Something about her makes her stand out. Her confidence maybe. Her work with the UN. Her incessant adopting. Her devil-may-care attitude. And she is a good actress to boot.
5. The Tata group - No organization is without its drawbacks. Corruption is like bacteria, it does not require much to survive and multiply. But the Tata group and its stalwart status has survived all that and stands tall today in the world arena - Tetley, Land rover and Jaguar, Corus. The many sectors they are present in in India, and the fact that they have such a strong nationalist image - cannot be just a cleverly-crafted mirage. The name of JRD Tata invokes respect and Ratan Tata has managed to sustain it.

In other news, a ring has been booked. It feels weird and new, that such a thing could be happening to me. I mean, I am still a kid (Not really, I am going to hit the 30's in a couple of years) but it feels like such a grown-up thing! He will tell me that I am an attention-shark and that is what all blog-writers are, as per him, but it makes me so happy, how can I not mention it?

In other non-flashy news, went for Anusmaran. Met people, ate the bizarrely expensive food and came back.

Also, at the verge of shifting houses. Half the packing is done and tonight is my final night in the present acco. It was great fun, being in the heart of Bandra - the room with no view. And not even a bed. Well, nothing much changes. My new home is also pretty much in the heart of B, has no view again and probably will not have much room for a bed. The only difference is that I shall be living all by myself now - which has been my dream since I was an adolescent bemoaning the lack of privacy in an all too crowded family of four. Like all things in life, a dream remains alluring only till when it comes true.

300 sq feet and a fortune for that. Such is life in this megalopolis if you want to live anywhere within cycling distance of someplace to restore the overwrought nerves at - not that I cycle. I never learnt to. Yes, there, I have said it.

What else. The mood of this post has got decidedly jauntier by the word. Such is the power of positive thinking. And love.

Amusement Park

Alec's latest post comes like a whiff of fresh air. While I look around, struggling to find things which are going right, here comes a post laden with little packets of joy which burst into remembrances about things which make my life so much richer - like a favorite smell, a favorite month, a favorite season, without my I even realizing it.

Kavity's latest also resonates and I am surprised to see how many people it resonates with. Looks like all these foreign-migrated people have been terrorizing junta back at home with details of their lives and worse - expectations of us knowing all those details by heart.

My life is, as usual, doing its roller-coaster routine. At times, I feel like this has to be bliss. Now this, has to be bliss - waking up on a Saturday, going to one of the many (although now that I have gone to all, the choices seem limited) places around that serve a good breakfast. Bandra has a very chilled-out air about it, actually certain bits of Bandra. The young or the young-at-heart throng these coffee-shops, I see young families with their cherubs and their ayaas in tow, single men and women with a book in one hand and a large mug of coffee in the other, looking rather bohemian and extremely at peace with the world, couplets or groups of girls, catching up on news from the week, couples of slightly older women, discussing everything from their neighbor's children to the businesses that they run, young guys and girls - groups of friends, and young guy and girl - out on a date (although these are mostly in the evenings) playing their stereotypes to perfection - the guy trying his best to take her case, make fun of her, and the girl trying her best to look half-annoyed, half-flattered over all the nervous, flirtatious undertones, then the slightly older guy and girl, been dating for some time, obviously not married, looking like they don't have a care in the world.

The point being that at times like these, when I am tucking into a 'healthy' and scrumptious white omelet-brown bread-nutralite butter spread, the heart takes wings and I see it fluttering high above the Bandra skyline.

Recently read this awesome book called Exploding Mangoes, written by a Pak-born journalist residing in Britain now. He has spoken with a lot of audacity about the charade the Pakistani governance is, or was, under military rule. It is an alleged (in the author's own words) fictional account, of an attempt to assassinate General Zia, along the way giving us a peek into the military training that the Pakistani young go through, the way they use India and Indian references as a form of insult and their ease with the Americans and their role in the Taliban as we know it today.

Also, watched a couple of really good movies - Guess who's coming to dinner and Cactus Flower. I would absolutely recommend them, GWCTD for the crisp dialogues and CF for the brilliant performances and amazing background music.

Will end on a warning note though - whatever you do, do not watch the latest Gurinder Chaddha disaster. It makes me sick.

DLE

It is difficult to explain what really happened in the last four days. Because it is really quite absurd.

The company has this tie-up with one global firm which does leadership development courses for many companies. They have a four-day program called DLE - Developing Leadership Effectiveness. It has been a tradition in my company since long to send groups of unsuspecting managers to this program with the hope that they come out knowing how to become effective leaders.

Smacks of cynicism. I was, a cynic. A closet cynic till I went there. Even till the third day. Not any longer though.

So there is a group of peers, around twenty-eight of us from all over the country who land up and are confined within a room from 9 am to 6 pm for four days without any mobile phones or laptops along with the founding pillars of this program - a Mr Gareth and a Ms Amelia.

The modus operandi, and that is what it is, because Gareth and Amelia have been in this business since the last twenty years or so and everything that they do is calculated to the last insult. And insult is what they do. They insult us till we feel like we are morons.

The intention is to make us own up to our fears and our hang-ups. Our pretty little escape algorithms. The stories we tell ourselves whenever we do anything we know that we really should not be doing and is not going to help us.

It sounds like a lot of humbug and frankly speaking, I did not like being screamed at for the first three days. But that is what drove it home, when I am being dishonest with myself, I am doing a great disservice to my potential.

I also noticed, or rather it was brought to my notice that I, and in this case, I shall speak for most people, tend to seek refuge behind the safety of the collective - WE or the non-committed - ONE or the indefinite - YOU. For example, most of our sentences there begun like - "When such and such thing happens, YOU tend to do such and such..Or ONE thinks one is committed, when ONE is really not..Or WE always think that is the right way.." SAFETY! I want to be emotionally safe. I want to say things such that there is always some exit room to wriggle out. Instead of taking sole responsibility, I want everyone present to bear the guilt of what I have said.

I didn't participate much and I got screamed at for that. Because not wanting to open up in front of near strangers is also a hang-up and merits thinking about.

But here goes, I mean to change a few things and here they are -

I tend to take the back-seat when I find myself in a group where somebody knows how to do the task at hand better than me, or so it seems. I sort of take for granted that person's superior role in achieving that task.

I do not open up to strangers, or even people I have known since a long time but am not 'close' to. Why, because I would not know how that person would think of me and my insecurities. Would only open up in front of people who I know would love me/like me irrespective of what they hear. So, I don't accept myself the way I am and fear that others will not.

I link my self-worth to my success at the tasks I perform. If I fail at something at work, it means I fail, period.

There are many others. Like they said, we are born free of any hang-ups. But as we grow up, based on our experiences, we collect all these beliefs and build a personality around these beliefs.

I really want to shatter these so-called truisms of my life. I want to come clean, and to remain that way. So here I am, all of me, for-public-consumption.