Saturday morning..

I wonder sometimes..

..if there are others too who are constantly introspecting and making an effort to improve themselves - to be truer, to know more, be more kind - in that order. It is exhausting for self and people around - all the analyzing, over-thinking, examining self motives and faults - which goes through its own life cycle of a longish denial, self-anger/depression, acceptance, occasional change. Does all this bettering result in a truly better person or one who is a distilled puritan obsessive version of the multi-dimensional and easy person that once was?

..if there are others who feel so conflicted, about everything - last sentence from above, popularity vs individualism and that difficult to construct bridge between the two, art-for-art vs art-for-respect, bluntness vs kindness, left-brainism vs right-brainism and the merits of both, wantingness to be useful to others, but also the 'fire-in-the-belly'ness to 'make it-earn it-spend it', awkwardness vs suavity (this last one is my current muse, having been socially awkward since birth, currently toying with the idea of making an effort to learn suavity, involves saying things which give off faint odors of fakism and worldly-wisdom - phenomena hated-at-sight). Conflict, conflict, Yo people, are you there? Contact me so I can create a facebook group, but know that for all my reclusivity, I can still be the life-of-the-party when the stars align, so don't hate me for that.

..if there are others who write for clarity, write for expression, write to know what they are thinking and are surprised by their own words at times. What does this say about them?

..if there are very many (I know there are some) who would tear up at the slightest hint of emotion and pulling-at-the-heart-strings melodrama seen in cinema, read in books, but would purposefully glance away from a young beggar girl at a traffic signal, so that she goes away quickly. What's the deal with that? A survival trick, mandatory hardening of the heart against things you can't do anything about, not at this time and place, not in this way, and as a result of all this prevarication, perhaps not ever at all?

..if there are others too who couldn't perhaps string together two sentences of all of this above while face to face, without sounding weird, self-obsessed (perhaps that one's true), patronizing, arrogant but don't mind writing it for all the world to see. Those who believe instinctively that the spoken word takes away, colored by - accent, diction, reaction to other's reactions and indifference, stammering, stuttering, searching for the right words, pitch and tone of voice, social conditioning to not give away too much of oneself, not to sound uncool - all these and more, diluting the heartfeltness.

It's arrogant to assume there aren't others, there must be and there are. And for all my desire to be unique, I wish there were more.